She was lying in bed and absentmindedly scrolling down her Facebook. And then her feed showed a status from him. Yes, that boy that had once showed interest in her and that she couldn’t quite bring herself to let go of. It wasn’t as if her feelings for that boy were strong, and definitely not obsessive. Rather, she felt as if her friendship with him was what she enjoyed best. But wanting him, that feeling, lingered. So when she saw that he had written about obtaining a number from another girl, off in Vegas as he was, she felt her breath stop for a moment. Her mouth curved sadly as she stared at the screen in blatant hurt.
She felt herself go trough a chain of emotions. First the initial pain of once again being aware that he held no torch for her as she did for him. After, it was anger that took hold. It made her want to become some hot bitch that he wouldn’t be able to take his eyes off. But what wasn’t going to happen. Being hot was not within her arm’s reach. As for being a bitch, she doubted she could muster up the sass that such a character required.
But mostly she was embarrassed. Embarrassed about still liking him and still hoping that one day he would like her back. So she hid the post from her feed, not wanting it to pop back up, and swore that she wouldn’t look it up. She wouldn’t brood this wound, she determined resolutely. Instead she would take a deep breath and maybe sigh a few times before getting on with the night.
"When you lose someone who’s your home, your only home in the world, and when it happens you think, ‘Oh fuck. I should’ve had a backup home. Another person, or place, or thing. Something to make me feel safe and now i don’t have that and now i’m lost.’"
The Necessary Death of Charlie Countryman (2013) dir. Fredrik Bond
Ahh ahh. So we meet once more, heartbreak. I think this time I’ll heed the pain and never hold my heart out like that for anyone again.
I know in my heart that I’m not really what he wants. So rather than continue to hope I think it’s best to begin to let go.